We hit the town (by ‘we’ i really mean ‘i’- trying to cut overhead cost…) and discovered these 5 new inventive ways Blokes are using to cop their way out of trouble. (They were more than five; but since you aint paying for the info – i thot wateva).
Trick number 1
The innocent act
“There wasn’t much to it,” says Uche, 29. “After a row with my girlfriend, I showed up one evening looking as remorseful as the word itself and being more than a little hard on myself. The fact that I was kneeling before her drenched in falling rain that night, made it all the more romantic. And before you could say ‘third term’ I was being ushered into her room for a hot cup of tea and a good night cuddle.”
Definitely! Because women like seeing men being vulnerable; it shows that ‘sensitive side’ of ours they crave and always talk about on TV shows and at girls’ nite outs. Hey, no one said you had to be really sensitive.
Trick number 2
The dramatic overture
Everyone loves a nice gesture spiced with a little bit of drama. “I overdid the apology once,” admits Teslim, 23. “My girlfriend caught me innocently flirting with another girl, so, to prove my love, I proposed the next day. She turned me down of course. She certainly wasn’t expecting it.” *WARNING* Do not try it with a chic over 27 – you would be walking down the aisle saying ‘how did i get myself into this?’
It sure does. Everyone – especially every girl – loves a dramatic romantic gesture from a Bloke. So long as he doesn’t appear too guilty.
Trick number 3
The personal touch
“I stupidly decided to skip our anniversary last year,” says Koffi, 26. “Big mistake – my girlfriend went ballistic. Thankfully a video compilation of our best romantic outings and moments together fixed things.”
Everytime: Like fragrance, romantic videos can evoke good memories. You can pull out old cards and letters or maybe texts, if videos are unavailable. It also shows thoughtfulness and effort; something girls like to see every so often.
Trick number 4
The work-based treat
Treats sent to the office simply can’t fail. Kevin, 29 agrees. “If we’ve been quarrelling and she’s too stubborn to back down, I’ll make the first move and send something to her office. I tend to avoid the usual flowers and have her favourite meals delivered instead.”
Like clockwork. It’s a simple act that proves just how well they really know us, and what we like.
Trick number 5
The extra mile
“My wife got jealous when I went for dinner with a female friend,” admits Sam, 31. “So, I sought the help of her best friend who set up a rendezvous at her flat, but when my wife turned up, she was greeted by me instead – and 2 tickets to Calabar for a weekend at the Obudu Cattle Ranch Resort.”
Without a doubt, Going the extra mile is a gesture we ladies love. And as charming gestures go, in Naija they don’t come much bigger than a trip to the capital city of tourism!
Now that sounds like a good movie title. Unfortunately, I am in Naija right now and Home Videp producers would not like it. I wonder who would play me in the real life soap opera my love life has become, hmmmm – probably Mike Ezuronye. *wink*
Awwwww. I was taking time off to heal and recover after being dumped. And in the process allowed myself to flirt with a couple of girls who got to know each other and dropped me one after the other. Now I have a sore head as well as a broken heart. Well I am pickin myself up again and moving on…lol. And to think that I am a great looking guy, really I am… no really – Whatever, bite me!
In my time of sober reflection, I travelled two countries, finished my book and bought another car – sober reflections are good- I discovered these ‘win you back tactics’ that we use as guys when we’ve stepped out of line. I will give them to you shortly.
PS: Madame, its shameful to make fun of a man who has had his heart broken… even though he fancies your friend. lol
Sometimes being in a relationship with her can be like being in bondage, and as you well know, being in bondage is no fun. The wisest thing to do, if you value your sanity is, BREAK UP WITH HER! That’s right, ditch her, send her packing, kick her to the curb, strangle her till the whites of her eyes come up (oops! just pretend you didn’t see that one)
What do we know?
1) You’re in this crazy relationship and you’re hurting (too bad)
2) The cute hot babe next door is giving you the green light
3) You want to end your present relationship so you can get with cute hot babe (and also end the bondage, of course)
What we don’t know
How to break up with her?
Here are a couple of steps you need to follow if you’re to ‘break up’ successfully.
1) Be sure you really do want to break up. I know how tempting it can be, but if you’re just upset with her, consider talking it over rather than ending the relationship.
2) Before you have ‘the talk’ that ends the relationship, think about the reasons why you’re breaking up. She’s going to ask you why you want out, and you had better have answers for her – or else.
3) Plan how long you’re going to spend ‘breaking up’ and stick to your schedule, no matter how many buckets of tears she cries. You could even plan a meeting with a friend in a neutral venue and say, “I’m supposed to meet John at the gym in ten minutes, so I have to go now” – then scram!
4) Sit her ass down and tell her you want to have a serious talk with her. When she asks you what it is about, hey men, just take the straight road and tell her you’ve decided to end the relationship, pure and simple – right?
5) Expect her to do any or all of the following:
– Ask questions: She’s going to want to know why, and whether there is anything she can do to prevent the break-up. Answer her questions as honestly as possible.
– Cry a river: She’ll be upset and it will show. This is quite natural, and it’s okay to comfort her, just don’t allow yourself to be manipulated into changing your decision.
– Argue: She may dispute anything you’ve said during the break-up, including the reasons you gave for it, but don’t get dragged into a fight and don’t split hairs with her or else it could get ugly! Let her know that arguing isn’t going to change your decision.
– Bargain/Beg: She may try using all her feminine charms in trying to preserve the relationship, offering to change or to do things differently – don’t fall for it. If she didn’t change when you discussed the matter in the past, there’s no reason to believe that she’ll do so now.
– Lash out: It could come in the form of a simple statement like “You’ll never find anyone as good as me” or in the more scary “I’ll make you regret this” and if she’s really steamed, she could actually throw a roundhouse. Whichever way it comes, she’s usually just trying to make herself feel better.
– Expect to spend at least one hour ‘breaking up’ and longer if the relationship lasted a year or more. So, if I were you, I’d pack lunch.
– If you can manage it, please break the news on her turf, i.e. at her place or somewhere she can feel comfortable. She’ll want to feel safe enough to cry/get angry/make a scene in general. While she might be willing to do these things at your place, making her go home after getting news like that will only make her feel more bitter. Besides it’s more cost effective, especially when she decides to start breaking things.
– In order to keep the respect of your mutual friends, don’t take the easy way out by breaking up by phone or e-mail.
– If you’re convinced you want to break up with her, then sooner is always better than later. However if she’s had a particularly trying period, the gentlemanly thing would be to put it off till another time, otherwise you can just go right ahead and put her out of her misery!
– While honesty is the best policy, you might want to soften the blow a little by avoiding sensitive issues, for example, most women don’t want to hear “I’m breaking up with you because your breath stinks” on the other hand, being too vague is not good for your health either.
– Whenever he wants to break up, the Naija man simply disappears or becomes ‘incommunicado’. This shows a lack of respect both for the other person and the relationship itself. But hey, if the relationship wasn’t much to begin with, then by all means, make yourself scarce!
– Making a quick exit after the bad news is easier if you do the breaking up at her home. However if you are at home, it might be tough to get rid of her, believe me.
– Never threaten to break up with her. If you have problems, either work through them, or make like Nike and just do it! Threats will only make a relationship worse, and I’m sure you don’t want to do that.
– Do not ignore any threats of physical harm. If you feel that your safety is at risk, don’t try to be a hero, contact the police as soon as it is safe to do so and request a restraining order. But as this is Naija, I would suggest you do the most sensible thing – run for your dear life!
– There will be a period of time often two days to a week, during which your ex-partner will attempt to revenge for the break-up. Don’t be excessively angry, or lash out at her because break-ups are painful and certain people react to it in different ways. Let time pass, and let your ex get all her anger and frustration out before tying to talk to her. But if this fails, then please, please, do what I suggested above. No one will call you a coward for preserving your life – at least not here in Nigeria.
– For the love of God, keep your distance from your ex for a minimum of three weeks. You’ll only make it difficult for her to get over it with you hanging around. Besides, you might begin to reminisce on how soft and pliable her boobs were, causing you to consider getting back into the relationship, and that is the last thing you should do. To help get your mind off her boobs, I would suggest getting someone whose boobs are equally if not more luscious – hey! It’s just a suggestion.
– Never break up without telling her about it, and don’t do it by proxy either. These are major ingredients for what I call FPA – Female Psychotic Attack.
All said and done, there is one final advice for any Bloke who breaks up with his babe. It has never failed and it’s guaranteed to increase his lifespan: After the break-up, consider wearing a bulletproof vest for the period of one full calendar year. It WILL save your life.
okay, i ve told myself that i would not put up personal info on my blog, i do enough of that on the magazine i am editor. i intend to keep this space filled with healthy relationship and devoid of the drama that is my real life. but for all intents and purposes i feel like i ve just been dumped. she did it last summer, disappeared into thin air. but this time i thought we had built something; had an understanding. alas! she has gone cold on me again.
everything was fine until i got my new job… and summer came. we talked regularly and we were consolidating a decade long friendship. until the change slowly crept in. accepted, i have gotten increasingly busy in the last two months. i was incommunicado for 8days and we lost the ‘sza sza zou’. She appears have lost the willingness to pursue our relationship anymore. Even when we talked about it, she was keen to assume that my utterance ‘enjoy your summer’ was her exit papers. I think she wants to go; i think she has gone. She suddenly thinks maybe i deserve another kind of girl, she cant stand the pressure of dating a celeb; its frustrating… i miss her.
i am scared to call and meet the stone ewall of the last time; where she was not pickin my calls and ignoring my emails. i cant call because no matter how i ask/present my hearts burden and ask the necessary questions, it would sound like i am accusing her of cheating on me and dumping me as a result. Am i just being a coward?
I dnt know what to think. maybe she has lost faith in ‘us’; she said as much the last time. I read somewhere that in order to make a Long Distance relationship work, the parties have to be committed not just to each other but to the relationship itself. I hope when i summon the nerve to hear her out, she says she still beliees in us. But really, right now i feel dumped.
Sex, unfortunately for all of you with stereotypical minds, is not the first on this list! *grinning wickedly*. Now this post is one in a series I have so graciously called ‘What do blokes really want’: Ladies,*my voice becomes deeper* ignore the bloke oracle at your own peril *lightning and thunder roll*.
Okay so what does a bloke really xpects from you? It may seem like there’s only one answer to that question – “more sex” – but men are actually a bit more complicated than that, really…no really. *I’m convinced, I don’t know about you. Ughh bite me!*. Research has proved that a plethora *I just learnt the word* of things turns up the heat for a bloke when it comes to women they’re dating.
Here are a few, five of the plenty my team has uncovered *is five not enough? Abi you pay for consultation?* Take them to heart, *waving a finger at you like your grandfather*. Nothing new, but it will help you master… no mistress your relationship environment. *hope that made sense? … uhh wateva*
1. Take care of yourself.
Yes, blokes like breasts and butts *I actually said that out loud*. And yes, there’s only so much you can (or should) do about those areas. You are who you are, physically and mentally, and you shouldn’t change yourself dramatically for anyone. *I have my serious face on, read on quickly, its wearing me out*
What we’re talking about here are little things that can make a big difference in your appearance. Always being dressed in nice, decent clothes, having fresh breath, having clean hair (but not over-styled – blokes like ‘simple’ when it comes to hair *long and strait always works*, shaving your armpits and legs regularly, and so forth. *I didn’t have to tell you that, se?*
It doesn’t mean you have to be a size 2 and go to the gym every day. It just means taking care of the body you have and going out of your way to be fresh and clean when you see him.
2. Let him know he’s #1 with you.
While blokes don’t like women who are subservient and docile *wink, speaking generally ofcourse*, they do like to know that they’re important to you. Men are as insecure about relationships as women are, if not more so.*twiddling thumbs shyly*
He probably won’t want to talk about the relationship and define it and label it, but he does want to know where he stands. *talk about double standards*
Let him know by leaving cute love notes for him or by calling him at the office to say hello. He wants to know that while you have your own life to lead, you’re taking time to think about him, too.
It will also make him more likely to make the same kind of sweet gestures for you in return, once you’ve opened the door for such things. *don’t wait for him to reciprocate, it might take a while*
3. Be confident.
You may not look like a supermodel or have the body of a porn star *yeah, he has fantasies too*. You may not be the smartest, prettiest, or sexiest woman you know. But damn it, you’re not half-bad, either! *And he chose you, or you were the only one left*
Every bloke loves a woman who’s confident in herself. Not cocky or arrogant or snotty, but confident. Smile when you enter a room. Don’t look nervous in new surroundings. Act like you’re completely happy with your body and personality, even if you’re not. Blokes notice the difference.
When you present ideas to your partner, state them with confidence. Don’t always defer to, “Whatever you want to do is fine” when discussing plans together *notice ‘always’ is highlighted*. Give your opinions! When he asks what you’d like to do this weekend, give a suggestion. *don’t just break the bank*
Often, women are afraid to be too bold in their opinions, mistakenly believing blokes want their ladies to be quiet and humble. What blokes actually say they want in polls and studies is a woman who will speak her mind and be a true PARTNER in the relationship. *it’s a thin line, tread gently*
4. Be independent.
Speaking of being a true ‘partner’, here’s another tip that real blokes find incredibly attractive: Have a life. It’s disconcerting to meet someone and get the impression she didn’t exist before you came into her life, but that’s what it feels like for some guys.
They meet women who don’t go out, don’t socialize much, don’t do much of anything outside of work. That’s not a partner, that’s a Barbie doll!
By the same token, if you already do have a life, don’t shut it down when a man comes into your world. Continue to hang out with your friends, dedicate energy to your job, and all the other things you used to do. Don’t be so career-oriented that you don’t have ANY time to be with your partner, but don’t completely turn everything else off for him, either. *again, another thin line*
Real blokes like women with backbone. If you occasionally can’t be with him because of other obligations, it will make the times you CAN be with him seem all the sweeter. If you’re at his beck and call 24 hours a day, well, where’s the fun in that?
5. Have a sense of humor.
Don’t be afraid to crack a joke. Our society places great importance on funny men, but rarely on funny women, and so women are often get the subconscious message that jokes are for blokes to tell. But it’s just not true. Guys love it when women can make jokes as well as they can. Avoid being dirty or using profanity – blokes appreciate ladylike behavior especially with company present – but if he makes a one-liner about the bad service in the restaurant, don’t hesitate to offer one of your own, too. Partners love to be able to tease each other playfully.
What if you’re just not that funny a person? *some of us are more gifted than the others* You can still have a sense of humor by appreciating other people’s jokes. If he says something funny, or if something funny happens nearby, don’t be afraid to laugh.
Again, the old-fashioned ideas of women laughing demurely and daintily, covering their mouths with their hands, are outdated; it makes you look timid. If it’s funny, LAUGH. Don’t be shy, don’t be coy. Just laugh. Learn to laugh openly, but still look pretty doing it. Laughter is one of the great tools in any relationship. It’s one of the greatest sounds in the world. Let him hear it from you.
No one, even yours sincerely, has yet worked out ALL the secrets of how to make a bloke truly happy. But these tips are a start, some simple ways you can be your best self and make him see what a great partner you can be.
Okay this is the gravy I promised. So you think your bloke is too prim and proper (he schedules ‘sex day’ in his Day-planner) or you feel like Mother Theresa when he chronicles his sexcapades before you came along (don’t worry you did not miss much), but I guarantee you that no matter his sexual exposure or lack of, these sexy hints will catapult your copulation to a whole new level. You have to be aware that his sexual yearnings can change with his hormones, stress levels, and even the time of day. Let me bring you up to speed on exactly when — and how — your guy wants to be hmmmed in the sack by checking out these sexy hints. Why not, everyone reaps the pleasurable benefits *wink*.
The passionate Animal
Bloke Radar: Just after he thumps his guys on the court or grabs an important deal at work, he’s likely to crave an uninhibited quickie against a wall or a lusty shag anywhere there’s a smooth surface. Reason being he has just keyed into His Dominant instincts.
“When men win at sports, even when they’re just watching a football and their team triumphs, or when they have success like a promotion at work, testosterone levels tend to go up.
Translated: He’s revved with T-juice (no, you can’t drink it) and dying to throw you (gently) down on the bed for a serious pleasure session.
Blokes may also be prone to be hungry for some randy roughhousing before breakfast. Levels of testosterone tend to be higher in the very early morning. Sex drive often builds to its highest point from dawn until around 10am. “He’s likely to wake up already turned on and feeling assertive.”
Take the Lead: When he’s flushed after a win (like next week after Manchester United trashes Chelsea 4 goals to nil *Amen o*) or starts gloating about a mini success (emphasis on the success- not the mini), bait him by slowly stripping off your clothes across the room — in his eye line but out of his reach. Just looking at your naked body can further raise a man’s testosterone, feeding his desire. Let him watch you touch your own erogenous zones (pretend to do it unconsciously, *if you can*), which will make him hot and give you satisfaction too.
When you’ve tortured him for a few minutes (notice I said ‘a few minutes*taping my wristwatch*), let him get his hands on the championship prize: You. Then initiate a primal move that fuels his frisky craving. ‘Standing sex’(listen carefully), this is where he holds you up against a wall with your legs wrapped around his lower back; gives him an animalistic challenge,*and a sore back later*. Your bloke is in the aggressor role since he’s holding you up with his arms and lower body, and he also gets the visual thrill of watching your breasts bounce during the act. *yippee!*
Kick it up a notch by letting yourself revel aloud about how hot he’s getting you (no play acting) or tell him a specific thing you want him to keep doing because it feels so good (in as few words as possible). Verbally boosting his ego can help build orgasmic intensity for you both.
Bloke Radar: Women aren’t the only ones who desire slow-burn sexual intimacy (you bet!) In fact, one of the biggest complaints among men is that women don’t touch them enough during sex (should I repeat that?). Touching (not tearing up his back with your nails) during the actual intercourse is a common way of maintaining emotional closeness in a relationship. The trick is nailing down exactly when the bloke longs for steam-up-the-windows romantic sex.
Surprisingly, men crave this type of intimacy in new surroundings or after experiencing something new or unusual. Having novel experiences with your man releases dopamine, which triggers lust and desire. That’s why your bloke may suddenly feel the urge to get super-close when you’re in a new locale, whether it’s diving into your hotel bed or snuggling under the stars on a camping trip.
Another lust trigger for slow, body-meshing sex is in the aftermath of something scary. The novelty of a dangerous situation you’d see in a horror movie or after trying a slightly risky, adrenaline-fueled activity together can also feed dopamine levels and make him want to feel emotionally closer to you via sex.
Take the Lead: Next time you try anything new, from bungee jumping (no be me and you) to seeing a scary flick together, take him home and introduce a sensual new move that feeds a mental and physical connection, like the Kama Sutra position called — -Yum. wa’ever (Don’t you just love me).
Here’s how: Sitting in his lap face-to-face with your legs wrapped around each other’s back, you and your guy can gaze into each other’s eyes as your hands roam freely. All the while, your private parts press sensually against each other, furthering intimacy.
This is an all-access position that allows him to see and touch your entire body. And because it provides more direct stimulation of the clitoris, the woman is more likely to orgasm than in the missionary position. (I wonder who first called it ‘missionary position’)
Love me, Love me, Love me.
Bloke Radar: Chances are, if your guy’s been placating annoying relatives (happens a lot in Naija), wigging about finances or dealing with a demanding boss (the story of my life), stress is likely to make him crave low-maintenance sex (where all he has to do is unzip his fly, if that *hey who says you can’t do that for him?*).
These pressure from without builds up anxiety, onset of which drives up levels of dopamine and, thus, -testosterone (yippee, T-juice again), which combined with workday exhaustion is likely to leave a man craving sexual release without much effort (think Garfield).
Unfortunately, today’s high expectations for male sexual performance may instead heighten his stress level. Since blokes are so programmed to work for sex, he’ll feel relieved of performance pressure when you catch him off guard with this low-maintenance brand of sex. If he can lie back and feel sexually taken care of, it can improve his overall state of mind as well as the sensations his body is capable of experiencing.
Take the Lead: When you sense your guy is stressed, help him unwind by telling him he doesn’t even have to get off the sofa. Then take the reins by stripping off his shirt and slowly kissing him from his neck down to his waistline, followed by some below-the-belt action (do I spell it out?… guessed so).
To make his head spin as you’re pleasuring him, try this trick: “Break away every now and then to drag your tongue along the crease between his pelvis and inner thigh, which will flood his lower body with increased sensation”
Next, slide onto his lap in reverse cowgirl position with your hands balanced on his thighs for support. Much like doggie-style, he’ll be able to revel in watching your nice butt and touching your breasts — but without expending any lower-body energy.
This pose also gives him super-easy access to pressing your hot buttons. As you move forward and back in this position, his member will directly stimulate your clitoris with minimal effort on his part. Just remember to squeeze your PC muscles (it has nothing to do with your computer silly), as you thrust because it can help you both have bigger, better orgasms more quickly.”
Now that you know this; GO GET FREAKY! Remember always play safe!!!!!!
I had a little chat with girlfriend the other day, and one thing led to another we started talking about sex; yes I said TALKING *rolling eyes at you, one half of top lip lifted in scorn at you snickering* . And thats all we do on the subject; talk. Because we are Godly, decent, well-brought up young people who are ready to wait until we are married to consumate… okay and ofcourse *twidling fingers* what else can we do in the interim, since she is a thousand miles away right now in another country (bite me). You guys remind me to do a post titled ‘ACROSS THE MILES; Staying in touch and Staying in Love’ – the title already brings tears to my eyes *pretends to wipe away tears*
Okay, I had a goal with this post somewhere…yes. Motivated by madam, the next post is on The types of Sex all men crave. Stay tuned ladies, blokes get ready to ‘get your freak on’ *Winks and smiles into full lenght mirror… (crash)- sound of falling glass*.